A little over a week into 2013 and I was on my way back to Portsmouth. Safely away from the well-maintained abode, that is home for three weeks at the end of each term, and forced back into the hedonistic university lifestyle that I rock so very well.
As I was being chauffeured down the M27, a large Sainsbury’s appeared near Hedge End; my Dad looked at my despondent, moneyless, demeanour, ruffled my hair, and took the next exit. I was going to get food and quality food at that: Jamie Oliver is the patron saint of awesome food, and he has starred in some very convincing Sainsbury’s adverts.
“I swear to god I’ll knife you in the dick.”
Whilst I am not a soup connoisseur, I do enjoy a good broth when I feel the time is right. When spending my hard earned student loan I will buy Heinz when, but only when on offer. This isn’t as bad as it sounds as both Asda and Tesco own brands tend to be adequate, and Lidl soup is surprisingly tasty on both the palate, and the wallet.
But when in Rome, you do as the Romans, so I stocked up on some Sainsbury’s soups; safe in the knowledge that they have been endorsed by the master of the fifteen minute meal.
A few weeks later and my food supply was getting low. Following a cold walk home from a meeting about a space doctor- who doesn’t have to retake his medical licensing test every time he re-spawns, despite his personality changing drastically – I eagerly grabbed a can from my cupboard.
Although the can itself is a pretty standard 400-gram aluminium container, with a ring pull for ease of access, after tasting its contents it is now apparent that the great river Ganges flows effortlessly through India with a thicker, meatier, liquid.
A good soup should require a few shakes, and maybe even a spoon, to tease out the last bits of liquid delicious. Upon opening the can of Sainsbury’s Own Brand Chicken Noodle Soup, and pouring the anaemic looking liquid into a the pot, the only thing that required scraping out was the noodles; which came out in one big Pringle like disc.
I would take bets that this large monstrous slab of tasteless Noodle gloop would cause the Japanese to spontaneously lose their shit.
As for the chicken, Sainsbury’s Own Brand Chicken Noodle Soup is the Foster’s Lager of the Soup world, and simply dipping a live chicken into warm water, like a teabag, will provide you with a more defined chicken taste. Watching a chicken strut around on television will induce, from memory, a taste of chicken more vivid than that found in a can of Sainsbury’s Own Brand Chicken Noodle Soup. Only a man who shaves his gentleman’s area with a straight razor can claim to be less chicken than this sham of a soup.
In conclusion, I do not recommend Sainsbury’s Own Brand Chicken Noodle Soup.